New Year.... New Start...

November was the breakthrough that we finally needed. After weeks (and really years) of him being just mean, I decided I was done.

I took Kaylee to school and then Liam and I set off to Brian's work. I wasn't sure what I was going to say, but I was convinced I would remain cool, calm, collected and logical about everything. I asked him to come outside. He didn't know I was coming. Then I told him I wasn't leaving until he talked to me. Every time I tried to talk in the past, he would refuse or it would turn into a fight. I was so over that. It wasn't healthy. It wasn't productive.

He answered like usual. "Nothing is wrong."

"Well, if nothing is wrong, then you have no reason for treating me the way you do."

He didn't have an answer. This is when the best line of our marriage flowed out of my mouth... it changed everything.

"I'm not your enemy. Until you believe that, things will never get better. Lets wipe the slate clean and start over. And from here on if there's ANY issues, no matter how small, we talk about it immediately."

It was like a light went off in his head. I wish I had said this years ago. I wish the DWI hadn't happened. But at the same time... timing is everything. If he hadn't gotten in trouble, he would still be drinking. He's over 6 months sober. If I had said let's wipe the slate clean before then, it wouldn't have mattered.

He's sober. It looks good on him. He's a better father, husband, friend, brother, uncle, son... he's just better. I tell them this often in hopes that it will remind him that alcohol will ruin his life if he goes back down that road.

Perfect doesn't exist... but if it did, I would be living a perfect life right now. 2013 sucked so badly... but 2014 is going to rock.

The blog will go back to being public now... here's hoping I never get so depressed that I have to take it offline again.

Some Clarity.

Tonight, I sat down with the budget and modified it to where it would be the expenses I would have if I left. Correction: kicked him out.

I want the house.

I don't want to move. I don't want the kids to move. The house is expensive. There will be only one way to do this... get a really good job. This basically means over those next 12 months I need to really focus on practicing my craft. Web development. SEO. I need to work.. even if for free. I need to gain that confidence back. I need to gain that experience back. I need to feel I have the skills to go out and ask for a ridiculously high paying job after not working for what will be over 4 years.

And after I get the job, I need to make sure the kids have a place to go while I'm there. And make sure that Brian knows he'll be paying for their childcare. Because I'll be taking over the mortgage, which will be more than the childcare. He wins even though he loses. I won't ask for any other child support. I will ask that he has only supervised visits due to his recent arrest. Even if the supervisors are his parents.

This will be a nasty, nasty divorce. I see his parents throwing a lot of money at this. Money I don't have. But, I have his arrest. I have my emails to the pastor. I have my emails to him. I know I can prove that they are trying to break me. And in turn ask for them to pay for the divorce in full. Will this work? Not sure... but I sure hope so.

I was looking around at jobs. And there are some that I would have qualified for if I continued working. That gives me hope. They are nice paying jobs with nice benefits and near home. This hopefully means that there will be nice paying jobs with nice benefits near home next year when I'm armed and ready to interview.

In other news, I'm finally going to the doctor for my anxiety and all the pain I've been suffering. I think some of the pain is just flat out depression. Yes, depression can physically hurt. My back possibly has a bulging or herniated disc. My hip feels like it's on fire with my sciatic nerve. I currently have a pinched nerve in my shoulder. I'm a mess.. I haven't slept well in a long time.

I hope this puts me on the right path to recovery. I'm feeling a little more clear about my future. About my kid's futures. 

Step One

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable."

I can admit that. Alcohol was the driving force with Brian. No one sees that but me. Even to this day. He doesn't believe he's an alcoholic. His family doesn't believe he's an alcoholic. It's sad.

The part of this that I'm really struggling with is the part where I have to let go of control. I have 2 little children to tend to. I have to control their environment or I fear the impact on their psychological health.

My goal for the next 12 months is to get as far out of debt as possible and save as much as I can. Because once his probation is over, there's nothing holding him back from drinking again. Something mentioned in class tonight was that you can never let your guard down with alcoholics. Even recovering ones. I don't have that kind of energy. And ya know what? I hate him for that. This is NOT what life was supposed to be about. It's too fucking short to be spending time in a crappy insulated garage talking about steps.

Nail.On.Head.

Every photoshoot. Birthday party. Family gathering. Gathering with MY friends. No wonder I resent just about everything about him right now. 

http://www.labelaphotography.com/blog/dear-dad-please-smile/

Private.

Not sure if I have any readers out there... but I'll be retiring this blog to private settings soon. Things have gone from bad to worse and I don't want my negativity on what should have been a positive blog about the epic life I was supposed to finally have. It was never meant to be negative or a place for me to vent. Only a place for me to share a little sweetness on the internet since it is hard to find at times.

Wow... Momentum...

So July ended up being a crazy busy month. And in our Team News letter, I saw this:

Top Sales for July:           Kristal T.

and

Earned Home Office Challenge I:   Kristal T.

How did that happen? I sold books like crazy. It was fun watching people get so excited about them too. 

So... here's to a great August! I have almost nothing on the calendar, but Monday I have a really big home show... 12 guests so far! I told the hostess to tell each guest to bring a friend not originally invited and they'll get a free book. Can you imagine? 24+ people? That's like... a holiday at my grandma's house!  I'm excited and a wreck all at once.

My hope is I can get 3 people on my team who really want to work the business. And also, to have a crazy successful show.

Whatif... I just try. :)~

Moving Past the Negativity

I've decided to just ignore those who don't want to support me. It's easier than getting worked up about it.

So, here I am...

http://www.readingisfunwithusborne.com
https://twitter.com/readingusborne
https://www.facebook.com/ReadingIsFunWithUsborne
http://readingisfunwithusborne.wordpress.com/

I have my July calendar BOOKED and am now working on August. Crazy. This could very well work...

Defeated.

There is seriously nothing worse than coming home from a completely awe inspiring experience thinking I'll be able to get this book biz off the ground and in the right direction only to have your husband not give a rats ass.

So over this.

StoryTime

This was a pretty big hit. Granted, only 3 moms of the 15 showed up.. but that's ok! It was the perfect size. The kids listened as I read two books to them and then did their craft.

It took about an hour and a half of the day... and somehow it's already 2pm. I should do this every week... LOL

At this point, I'm going to just try and shoot for every other week. But I genuinely had a good time. So now to plan more projects for the next Storytime. OH and I booked a party off of it! Score :)

Social Life... Hahahahahaahaha

This post is inspired by my Canadian friend over at Mommy by Day.

Her post today was basically about saying a total of about 5 words to adults all week. Oh, how I can relate.

My week will look like this:

** Yesterday, declutter house while entertaining an almost 3 year old and 14 month old. This was all to prepare for a house keeper to come and actually clean the house because I would much rather be anywhere but inside my home.

** Today, wake up, do dishes, get kids dressed/fed.. go to swim lessons. After swim lessons, we went to my grandmother's for lunch. Then we came home so the house keeper could get in. While the house keeper was here, I got a solicitor.

Here's my social life. I spent about 30 minutes talking to this guy about how there was no way I would ever use them. This is how desperate I am for adult interaction. I talk to solicitors.

** Tomorrow, last minute prep work for StoryTime. Here's hoping people show up. However, I secretly want no one to come. I hate reading aloud. Much less to a bunch of kids. And their parents. I imagine the rest of the day will be spent by the kids watching TV (really???) and me curled up in a corner crying because things didn't go exactly to plan. I'm so predictable.

** Thursday will most likely be spent by not leaving the house again. It's also our anniversary, which means nothing other than we may tell each other how we wish we could go out to eat... alone.

** Friday - repeat Thursday, minus the anniversary wishlist convo.

How do I not go insane? Hmm... let me get back to you on that one.

Birthday...

That moment when you want to tell your baby brother happy 30th birthday, but know you can't because he hates you for calling him out on all his (and his wife's) rudeness...

Life is funny sometimes... ya miss someone who was so awful to you... why? The last 3.5 years haven't been great with this relationship. And for once, I can honestly say, it wasn't my fault and there's zero way it could be.

1st Day of Summer

Yesterday went fairly well. The plan I came up with was kind of simple. The time Kaylee is normally in school, she should have lots of structure. The time out, is more free.

So, MWF, we will sing songs, color lessons, practice writing, practice letter sounds, practice figuring out the first letter of words, practice our ABCs, 123s and Spanish numbers (which will eventually expand once *I* learn more Spanish), I'll read, we'll make lunch together, etc,etc.

It's quite a challenge with an infant in tow, but yesterday went well.

Tuesdays are swim lessons and my grandmother's. After naptime, we'll probably go outside to play or to the farmers market.

Thursdays are up in the air at this point. Maybe that will be another pool day... maybe it will be a park day... maybe it will be a travel day. I don't know. We can't really afford for me to go anywhere, so I doubt I'll leave the house to go very far.

I'm also setting up StoryTime at my house/park for every other Wednesday. The hope is to read a few stories to the kids and do an activity. The first one is the 5th, so we'll see if it works out how I want.

I'm still working on that other site, but more consulting on where things are, etc...  I've been reading a lot of code lately so I'm feeling a bit better about my abilities... I don't foresee taking on something this challenging again for a while though. It was the extra menu that threw me. Two menus are fine... but through in a third and my brain explodes. Dumb.

Here's hoping the Dog Days of Summer keep on being nice to me. I need a break. :)~

Free Time...

I don't get a lot of free time. I think that's a common statement from most moms. Especially SAHMs. We are with our kids 24/7. There's no clocking out. Sometimes there's the wish to go back to work. Actually, I think I make that wish daily. If only to get out of the house by myself for a little while. If only to talk to an adult. And not about poop. I personally hate conversations about bodily functions and don't understand why it's a frequent topic among SAHMs. Do we really have nothing better to talk about?

Tomorrow is the last day of school for Kaylee. I don't feel as ill prepared anymore though. I have a ton of coloring pages for different lessons. Plus all the normal activities we already do. I'm sitting up Storytime where I'll read to kids as well as do a few activities (mine, the neighborhood's, my friend's.. comment if interested.. the first one will be June 5th at 10am)... I'm not sure how long it will last.. I'm thinking an hour.. maybe two... doesn't matter.. do any of us really have plans? Stay all day for all I care... :)

I also finally setup a house keeper. I thought the motivation to clean would last, but it didn't. I just hate doing it but it makes me nauseous not to, if that makes any sense. So, yay.. we'll be more broke, but my house will be clean!

Today, my MIL picked up Liam. She'll pick up Kaylee tomorrow after school. They won't come home until 6pm Saturday. Brian set it up... granted it's because he wants to go to the ranch, but whatever. He never sets up anything unless I tell him, so it was a nice surprise.

First of all, it's been months, if not over a year since Kaylee and I have had alone time. She went down for a nap at 1. Liam was picked up shortly after. By 3, I went to try and wake her. *snore.......* She wouldn't wake. 3:30... *snore.....* Forget it. I was antsy. I wanted her to get up so we could go do something. I was thinking snowcones.. or the community pool.. anything. She didn't wake until 4:30. And by then, traffic is too bad to leave... so we just went out back and played in the water. I played with her, which I usually can't do because I'm too busy trying to make sure both kids stay in the same general area since I'm deathly afraid of little kids being around water without supervision. If it weren't the last day of school, I would keep her home tomorrow so we could go to something, but I just can't do that to her.. or her teachers. They are a trip with how much they love her.


I'm trying to get Liam's room painted. It'll be a dark grey. I hope to save enough money to get the same kind of rug Kaylee has in her room. It's a faux silk... luscious.. Liam loves her rug. We have a few others as well that are the same. They are a big hit. Soft and cuddly... Anyway.. I have most of it taped off, so while Kaylee is at school, I'll get as much done as I can. Thank goodness for borrowed power rollers!

Tomorrow night, I'm kidnapping my neighbor for drinks and dinner. Then Saturday, we're going to scrapbook with another friend. It's like I have a social life or something. Odd. I'm pretty sure I'm going to need all of Sunday to recover from all the adult activities I get to do this weekend. :)~

Happy Mother's Day!

We typically do not celebrate Hallmark holidays... no Valentine's or the parent's days.. but this year, I needed a real break. My bff and I decided we were going to go get a foot massage and mani/pedis. The foot reflexology was more of a whole body reflexology. And for $25 for an hour, it was AMAZING. I didn't care much for the mani/pedis... scrubbing my already sensitive feet with a coarse OMG I'M GOING TO JUMP OUT OF THIS CHAIR IF YOU DON'T STOP brush hurt.. my paint chipped almost immediately after I left.. this is why I don't get color on my nails. I can see where half of the clear coat is gone.

But.. it was still a few hours out. Plus, I forgot my cell phone, which means I was completely disconnected from the world and my "you can't leave the house unless I can talk to you 5 minutes after" husband... it was nice. Of course, when I did go home to get it, I had several messages and missed calls from him. Ugh. Seriously... I was gone for 2 hours.

Later that evening, I went over to my bff's for a 31 party. Somehow her friends are either much cooler or much more rich than my friends. She had a handful of people and a $1200 party. Mine barely broke $200, and half of it was ME.

Yesterday was the real treat though. My wish was to be left alone unless I came to them. This didn't really happen, but for the most part , it was nice... I played in the garden all morning and then spent the afternoon in bed watching TV. Brian made dinner and I painted for a little bit before bed.

The common areas of the house are ALMOST done... The living room is done as is the entry room from the garage. The entry all just needs the actual walls painted. I've done all the edges. There's two more sections, but I will probably wait until later this summer to do them..

Wednesday, I'm having dental surgery. I'm scared to death. Two kids. Only one day of help. Ugh. Here's hoping I can take the meds because if I recall they make me drowsy. :(

Funny How This Works...

My brain is weird..

Or maybe it's just me.

So, after my post about hiring a housekeeper, I got into the cleaning mood. I made time, but it involved all but ignoring the children. And when I say ignoring, I really just mean they were playing by themselves, which is good for them. I just like playing with them!

I don't have my referral's number yet, so I haven't gotten to bite the bullet.. but I am trying to think of all the things I'd like done once I do get to hire her.

Today, I scrubbed the baseboards. Literally. We have white baseboards, which are pretty... when clean. I don't think I even want to paint them a different color to hide the dirt thought... it seems like a cop out. And I like being held accountable. If it's hidden, I ignore it. So, that's not good. I also washed a lot of the doors and switch plates. It's amazing how gross they get...

If I could hire someone to do just one thing, it would be to clean my floors and baseboards... I think that's what causes me the most anxiety.

My back is killing me after all that.

I need moar moolah.

Broke as a Joke...

... but biting the bullet.

Brian has said for years "Hire someone."

And I've always said "We can't afford it."

Then I got to thinking... my sanity can no longer handle a lot of the little things that bother me in my life. And I know this is a "first world problem".. I should buck up and do it all... with a smile. But that's not where I'm at.

I need things to be clean. It is a constant struggle to do that with 3 other people in this house, plus myself.. destroying it on a daily basis. And given that we live in a house that is way too big for us (now.. it'll be perfect when the kids are teens).. I just can't keep up.

After griping and begging (for years) for Brian to help more around the house and getting the typical run around - when I know he's thinking "This is woman's work!" because that's how he was raised.. argh - I'm hiring someone. I hope they are available. They currently clean my bff's house twice a month. I'm going to try and budget for a weekly ordeal.

This will give me a lot of time to do other things.. like work. I have some pretty hefty goals for myself and the only way I can make those goals is to let other things go. If this goes well and I start making money, I might be contracting out the yard work too.. although that would make me sad as I really do love mowing. I just hate edging.



So here goes nothing.... money isn't everything, right? Ugh.

Ramblings...

Oh boy... I can't really complain about life after all the people of Boston and West have gone through. I can hope that those people are getting the help they need to move forward in life. I hope that the bomber gets his day in court and justice is served. I hope that the people of West find answers as to why this happened to them.

I have been working. Kind of. I started coding again and spent most of the last two weeks crying because I have forgotten almost everything I once knew. It was embarrassing. It was disheartening.. and most of all discouraging. Because the one thing I could call myself besides a label associated with family is a web developer. I'm not even sure I can do that anymore.

The site I had proved to be too much for me to handle. I contracted it out. The first time I have ever had to do that. BUT... as I got the site back, I realized that while my profit is gone, I now have a custom template to learn from on the side. I have a major project I want to get moving on and this may be what I need to get back in the game. I'm trying to look at the positives instead of my ultimate defeat with this site.

I just realized that school is only in session one more month. Then summer begins. I need to get moving on my agenda for the summer so that I have a plan to keep Kaylee engaged, learning and also not bored. As much as I want to hate it, Pinterest will probably save me with this.

Liam is still being as cute as ever.. still not walking, which surprises me, but doesn't really bother me. As soon as he does, they'll be going in opposite directions even faster than they already do.

This summer will also mark a lot of changes at our house. Only cosmetic. I'll be painting A LOT. And building out our guest bedroom. My best friend and I randomly came up with a plan to solve both our problems and save us money. She needs a queen size bed and I need a twin. So, we'll be trading bedroom suites over the summer. This will make room for my future office/craft/scrap/book/biz room.. I can't wait!

And as a final note to this ramble:

(scene)
Kaylee is freshly out of the bath and on the bathroom counter. I'm drying her off about to get her ready for bed.

(act)
She twists around, flings the towel off of her and sticks her butt in my face.
Kaylee: MY BUTT! It needs panties!

Why yes... yes it does... My 2 year old cracks me up on a daily basis. I'm so thankful for that.

Watch this...

If you ever doubt your beauty...

The Light

When this blog was started almost 5 years ago, I vowed I would not be negative on it. I have a place for that but it's private, which is good for venting all the stupid stuff I get worked up about.

This year, I have failed. Last year, life took a really hard turn downward and it was nothing I could control. No one I reached out to could or would help. And those who have offered... well, I sincerely thank you, but I didn't want to drag any of ya'll into the drama that was unfolding. I think venting here was a major cry for help even though I knew I really couldn't accept it. And I am sorry for that. I'm sorry for being vague.

Things still aren't better on that front. But, other areas of my life have calmed down. My bff (whom I rarely get to see.. who lives a mere 3 minutes from me... who is more busy with work, two small kids, a husband who is always working, all the kid's activities, the house, her on-the-side biz...) and I got together a lot the last two weeks trying to set up for a garage sale this past Saturday. We discovered something really powerful. There was no real catching up because frankly, there's just too much to share in what little time we know we have together.. so we focused on the moment.

It was glorious. We've since vowed to go out at least once a month (yes, we go MONTHS without seeing each other). We've vowed to scrap more. We've found to just touch base more. We've vowed to help keep each other from going into the depths of hell.

The last two weeks have been great. I've felt really good emotionally. And if I can stay up, I know I can make it through the trauma my family has suffered over the last 6 months.

My next fear... summer vacation officially starts for Kaylee on May 24th. I need to get organized and figure out my plan of attack beforehand.. otherwise, I fear I'll give up and let her watch Mickey Mouse all day long. I refuse to be that kind of mom. 

Should I have four kids?

The answer, of course is no.. but this post makes a compelling argument!

Most Hilarious Post I've Seen To Date

Liam turns ONE!

That's right... Liam turned one on Easter. It was an exhausting day with us getting up at 5am to be ready and at sunrise service by 7. But we made it, even though we don't really look all that happy about it. After church, we went to my grandmother's for an Easter egg hunt and lunch, then we came home and had the kids nap for a little bit before the birthday party began.

I want to start by saying Pinterest, I hate you. You give me more to do than I really need. However, Brian likes the "rotunda" decorations so much he doesn't want me to take them down. HA! I am quite impressed with how my decor turned out. I spent less than $10 on it all. Now... the LED light bulb I had to get so the other flood light didn't melt the vinyl table covers was another story.. LOL but, it was on the to-do list of things to buy anyway...

Kaylee said in front of everyone, "Mommy, may I help feed baby brother, please?" (in a Minnie Mouse voice,  no less.. I swear she sounds just like Minnie!) There was a room of "AWWWW!" and "Man, you got 'may I AND please??'" My kids will have manners. My kids will also be respectful. I will not tolerate anything less. Because you know what? Manners and respect are the cutest thing ever because it's so uncommon nowadays.. that makes me a bit sad.

My sweet baby Liam... one. Where did the time go? I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for him to start transitioning into a little boy. A little person. It was wild when I was watching it with Kaylee and I know it will be wild when I watch it with Liam.

Happy Birthday, Monster! I love you...

Blue Bonnets

Blue bonnets are some of my favorite flowers. There's something so magical about them to me. But, every year there's a panic that overcomes me where I must find a patch to take pictures. That is getting harder and harder as the drought continues and the bastard cabbage (that yellow bush flower) takes over.

Thankfully, I found a patch while driving a different way home from swim classes last week. It was on private property, like usual... but it was commercial land so I didn't think too much about it. If someone writes me a ticket for trespassing because I'm trying to keep a Texas tradition alive, so be it.

This is basically how any shot of both of the kids went....

So, I gave up and did individual pictures, which came out a touch better.

I told Kaylee to be real careful and tip toe around the flowers. She did pretty good!

Liam, on the other hand, didn't get the memo... heh

Mother of the Year

I never thought of myself as a germaphobe. Never. I don't use antibacterial anything because I don't want to kill the good bacteria on myself or kids. I have often times forgotten to wash my kid's hands after playing outside before we eat. But, I found out there is a line to my grossness that I can't cross.

Petting Zoos.

Setting Up The Germ Factory

Liam is loving it. 

And here they come.... 

Hello there Goat.

Touching......

Slobbering....

More touching....

Aww, sweet bunny... that she's touching...

 

Horsey! That she's touching....

What none of these photos show is what she was doing between all of the touching and slobbering. I was trying to calmly get her to just keep her hands on the animals or at her side until we washed them. I don't know these animals and petting zoos are known for giving children lovely stomach viruses.... mostly because they won't keep their gd fingers out of their mouths.... Like THIS.

After asking her calmly 4 times to keep her fingers out of her mouth, I lost it. My anxiety could not take it anymore. And then it happened, I yelled. Everyone stopped and stared at me. The children were shocked, as were the adults. It was wonderful... Then I had two parents tell me how wrong I was and that it's ok if she does this... she'll live.... and I really think that was the source of my break down that later ended up with me being stuck in bed for two days.

Why won't she just listen??? She's perfectly capable of listening when she wants... there was nothing in this situation where she needed to comfort herself. It was purely because she has this habit that she doesn't want to break. And I don't know how to help her break it without being cruel and lets face it, I yell more than I should, so I'd rather not add more trauma to the poor girl's life.

Mother of the year... here I come...

Broken.

That's it.

I'm just broken. That's all there is to it. I can't handle my kids. I can't handle my marriage. I can't handle myself. Crying is just one of the many things on my "Daily To Do List".. I'm so done with every thing and every one. Life sucks. It's lonely. I talk to a 2 year old all day who basically just yells at me. Then I talk to a 1 year old who also just yells at me, just not with actual words.

I was not meant to be a mom. Not a stay at home mom, that's for sure. I wasn't meant to be a wife either. I was meant to be a hermit, just like I was before I got married again. People don't like me and honestly, I really don't like them either. I want my career back. I want my independence back. I want my life back.

There. I said it. The ugly truth.

Best Kaylee Moment Yet.

While showing pix to Kaylee, I got to one of me... Kaylee exclaimed, "that's you, mom! You're the best mom ever!" 

 I instantly started crying... somehow in that moment, all the challenges I have faced with her lately were gone. Today. Today was a good day. Even before she said that with such excitement. Nothing had gone particularly out of whack. 

Lookin' for jobs in all the...

....right places?

Maybe... we shall see. I finally bit the bullet and applied with a temp/temp-to-hire company. It's one I have been at before, but they said my skills weren't high enough for their positions. 7 years later, here I am. Back and in rare high form. She thinks my skills are a great fit and will be contacting me as soon as something comes up. Supposedly, they get remote work frequently. Here's hoping...

I'm nervous about getting back out there. My confidence is pretty low. But, this is something I need to do for myself. For my sanity. I need to feel like I'm more than just a diaper changer, maid, cook, potty trainer and dog sitter. Granted, I know deep down my role as the kid's mom is so much deeper than that. I'm also their teacher. And because of that, I need to teach them good work ethic, because lord knows they won't learn it anywhere else, which boggles my mind. It also wouldn't hurt to get some extra moolah in the bank.

Belize

Our trip to Belize was one for our traveling history books... Here's some pictures. I wish I could write more!

 San Pedro from the air... quaint little town, very poor... but there's something very charming and sweet about it that attracts me to it.

 I might have been a little scared about the dock. :p

 Post card perfect! Seriously... if you want a secluded resort where you can dunk your head and see coral and beautiful fish, come here.

 How I spent a lot of my time.

How I spent more of my time.

Snorkeling was another way I spent my time... a 10 minute swim to the barrier reef and there was coral sprinkled around closer to shore that you could almost walk to. It was EPIC.

Child Predator: A Neighborhood Story

Wednesday morning was a mostly typically morning for me. I got everyone up and ready. Today was slightly different in that Kaylee had a Valentines party at school. So, we went to my grandmother's so I could drop the baby off, then I went to hang out with Kaylee for a bit. The party was adorable... seriously. Kids this age are so flippin' cute. I think if there is a God, he did this on purpose with all that we have to put up with as parents.

Looking at her Valentine

Suckers... sigh. Thankfully, she hasn't noticed them missing. LOL

These two are SO cute together. Seriously.

Handing out her Valentines to everyone

Homemade birdfeeders! (Gelatin/Birdseed)

 After the party, I went back to my grandmother's to hang out. This is where I received a text from a friend asking if I lived on a particular street, which I did. There was an attempted kidnapping a few houses from me. Police activity was super high in the area. My heart dropped.

Now... I'm not so naive to think that the neighborhood I live in is perfect. There are some out there who do think that. It's a great neighborhood, but crime can happen anywhere. But, I haven't experienced anything THIS close to me before. Nothing on a trail that I walk on occasion - and was planning to start jogging on alone once the weather warmed up.

The thing that makes me most angry about this case is that the predator had been attempting since May. MAY. And we were just now hearing about it. The other thing that makes me angry is I know the predator's sister. It's absolutely heartbreaking. I can not imagine the grief her and her family are going through. I'm now feeling for both sides of this story. I do not feel any compassion towards the predator - but towards those closest to him that may not have had a clue what was going on with him.

Hug your kids... Watch and listen for signs of mental illness. Do not just look away. You could save their life and the lives of those they may later try to hurt. This world is full of hurt, but I truly believe it is because people turn their head and look away instead of acting. I say this from a chronic sufferer of depression.

My Valentine Date!

During all of this, I volunteered to set up a Neighborhood Watch. I'm really excited to be apart of this. I'm really excited to see so many others wanting to be apart of this. We will watch each others backs better. We will make FP a safer place to play and live. It may not be perfect, but it's something we can strive for. I love my neighbors and am so thankful to live next to the people I do.

This is for you, Krista. Love you!

Target: A Love/Hate Story

The closest HEB is a few miles from me, however because of how the roads are, it takes a while to get to. Yesterday, I woke up feeling like I might be getting sick. It wasn't the normal allergy-induced haze I was in... it felt gross. The feeling quickly wore off as the day went on, but my energy level didn't really pick up. Today, I woke up with the same feeling. Only this time, it's not going away. I could not be more upset right now. We leave for Belize Wednesday. I have a major Neighborhood Watch meeting Tuesday. We need to build a fence Sunday. I need to pack tomorrow. I do not have time for this.

Last night, I actually took some medicine, hoping to knock whatever this is out before it started. I'm not big on meds. I try to ride things out as much as possible. After barely surviving swim lessons with Liam this morning, I went to Target.

I was going to get Airborne, EmergenC and baby powder (that's for the sand for the trip...). How does this cost me $70?!? I swear, I'm truly lucky if my will power can get out of Target without spending $100. I love that Target is across the highway, but I hate that I can't get out of there without spending a ton. This is my own fault and I fully recognize that. It still doesn't make me any less mad to see the bill though.... ;)

Here's hoping to health by tonight!

Kiddos

I haven't done a post on the kids in a while it seems. I'll try to dig up some pictures and video to post soon.

Kaylee... oh man... where do I even start? She's a little over 2.5 years now and a spit fire. Since school started in September, she's grown so much mentally, physically and emotionally. I often wonder if she's having a hard time with all the growth because she has become a major challenge for me. It's either that or she's just two. Over Thanksgiving, we potty trained. And things went really well for a little while. But then she regressed over #2. We're still fighting that challenge and I'm honestly at my wits ends. I always said "I never understood moms who said they dealt with a toddler pooping in the bath tub." And I still don't... but I have officially joined the group of moms who kids have played in it during naptime and smeared it all over their walls.

Shoot me now because I haven't figured out how to deal with this. I'm on a constant pins and needle BM watch until she goes. And apparently, even then, she could go twice in one day and completely catch me off guard.

Please. Shoot me now.

So, for Liam, I'm trying to head off this problem. We've slowly started elimination communication. The hope is, he's 10 months old. He has no fear. And if we get him used to sitting on the potty now, he won't fear it later. That's my thinking and hope. Right now he thinks it's the greatest perch.

 At school, they finally have enough kids and teachers to separate the kids back into 2s and 3s. But, they went the entire first half of the year together, so now I'm torn on whether I like that her class will be "dumbed" down, so to speak. She was doing EXCELLENT in the 3 year old class. She's recognizing a few words even! I'm trying to come up with some routines to do during the summer to keep her engaged. I remember even in elementary school that my summers were full of nothing but TV watching, video game playing and the occasional game of slip n slide with Woollite carpet cleaner. Oh yes. Yes we did. By the time I got back to school, my handwriting was awful and basic skills I had learned the year before were just vaguely there. I don't want that to happen with Kaylee - ever. But, I also don't want her in school year round, so I'm trying to figure things out that will still teach her, but will be fun.

Liam is cruising and on his way to walking. I suspect he'll walk before his first birthday, but who knows. He's been crawling since the day before 5 months. I honestly figured he'd be walking by Christmas. I thank you, Liam. Seriously. Christmas was hard enough.

But yea.. so the kids have been a challenge. I'm tired both physically and emotionally.  Belize is in 10 days.

Using time wisely... or am I?

Since I'm pretty much homebound, I'm trying to find ways to not lose my mind. I want my house to be clean, but the energy to get it that way and keep it that way is just more than I have. But, I'm trying to push myself through. I typically only clean if the kids are completely immerse in their activities, which isn't that often. So, I'm trying a different approach... clean with them. So far it's proving to be a disaster... but maybe it will improve with time? I have gotten my master linen closet organized and my closet organized. Maybe I'll be able to tackle the bedroom today.. it just seems when I clean something, something else has been destroyed three times as badly..blah.

1 Vehicle

Well, that's it. We are officially down to one vehicle. I still have access to the truck, but am officially just borrowing it, meaning I won't be going anywhere except to drop off/pick up Kaylee from school, swim lessons and my grandparent's. Groceries have been set up to be delivered weekly... diapers and pull ups will be delivered quarterly. This should be an interesting year... I'm hoping that things will get back to normal within a year, but who knows, it could be longer... All I can say is Belize needs to get here quickly...

Lazy.

I am finding myself doing nothing. Granted, I do have a pinched nerve in my hip that is radiating pain down my leg, but still... There's a bunch of stuff I could get done around the house, but I just don't want to. Lazy. It's not something I am often. But after the last 6 months... or 4 years... whatever.. I'm very tired of going at 100% and not slowing down. I'm wondering how I can get my desire back. I have all these things I want to do. Things I want to accomplish. But, the desire is just not there.

The last week was pretty good in terms of life. Things are back how they used to be before kids joined the picture, and I like that. But, it took something pretty serious to happen for things to find the right path again, and I don't like that. With the small amount of energy I had left, it was expended on dealing with that. I'm tapped out now.  I wish it were the end of February so we could leave life behind for a week and reset.

Breathing Easier.

While I still can't talk about what all is going on, I can say that a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. This weight was the main cause of my distress. The rest I can handle.. but what I was going to have to go through... well, lets just say I was prepared to be homebound for however long to avoid the humiliation of something I didn't even do. I even set up grocery delivery to prepare for this... BUT, I found a loophole, so I think everything will be fine.

In my panic, I have decided that this is no way for anyone to deal with a problem, especially one completely out of my control. So, I'm seriously looking into Buddhism. This will irritate a lot of my Christian family, but I haven't really cared much about other pushing their beliefs onto me because THOSE are the only correct beliefs. Here I am. The local temple has "Sunday school" on the 1st and 3rd Sundays of the month, so I think I'm going to try and go next month. I'm kind of excited and kind of nervous.

There is another silver lining to all that has happened. My house will finally get the attention it's been craving for the last year and a half. I'm excited to have time to paint and build stuff so we can get organized and purge all the junk we really don't need. This is also part of the Buddhist teachings... we don't NEED material things. It's always been something I've believed. I really disliked how materialistic Christmas has become, especially within my own family. I think this will really help me to let go and not worry so much what other people think when I decide to make a $1 homemade gift as opposed to spending $50+ per person.

For now... I'm better. I'm getting better every day. I'm looking forward to the warmer days so I can get out there and start walking again.... and dare I say it, maybe even running? Nahh.. I won't say it because well, I'm not a runner. It's a wish, but I'll break something if I try. HA!

Now, I'm off to design our office and some closet spaces so my husband can get ta buildin'! ;)

4 more lbs!

I'm only 4 pounds away from my overall goal and I could not be anymore excited. I *feel* skinny which is the first in a very long time, if ever. I guess it takes being 180 lbs and going down to 127 to feel a real difference though. :p

Because I'm feeling better about myself, I'm actually paying a lot more attention to myself and in particular, my skin. I've tried out Pinterest's lemon and honey scrub this week and it worked pretty well. Tonight, I took a gloriously lovely detox bath (1c epsom salt with lavender, 1c baking soda). I read later that I might lose some weight with that as well, which got me a little worried... how do I stop losing weight once I'm at my goal? I have lost a significant amount of weight before - 150 to 104... but 104 was scary and I never meant to get that small. The only way I found to stop it was to go back to eating crap. I enjoy not eating junk nowadays. Plus, I can't afford it even if I wanted to.

Today isn't any better, but I figured a happier post was in order... this is my silver lining. I feel better about myself even if my life in general is crumbling around me. Oh, and my kids are cute. Really cute.

Kaylee swam by herself for a few seconds today. She's 2.5 years old. And she SWAM. I almost cried. Thankfully, I got a video.. so if I can figure out how to get it from my phone to here, I'll post it. Liam's 3rd swim lesson is tomorrow. I can't wait to compare videos of him and Kaylee when he's her age.

Childcare

How do people do it? How do they put their kids in preschool and daycare? Pretty much their entire pay check would go towards it! Seriously... $23,244 a year to put my kids in preschool and daycare full time. The job I'm looking at only pays like $33k GROSS.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is a new day... a day to make a plan and figure out which way is up and which way moves forward.

First things first... a good friend told me something today that stuck. I need to learn to delegate. I have a hard time with this. I do everything because if I don't, no one else will unless I hound them. I'm done hounding. So I made a list.

The list is basics of what I do (or try to do) every day, week, bi-weekly, monthly and quarterly. It's not detailed.. just a list of the subject... like laundry. I don't really say I "wash, hang dry, fold and put away.." That should be obvious... although I know for some it's not. I imagine the list will become more detailed as I delegate more.

Next, grocery shopping. How can I delegate this while only having one driver in the house? Well, it dawned on me... online shopping. So, I logged back into Greenling and setup an order to ship weekly. I figured this will help in a few areas. A) It'll take something off my plate. B) I can budget better. C) Meals will become monotonous, but whatever. It'll be easier to plan. I ate rice or pasta everyday for years... I'm sure eating a salad every day for lunch won't kill me.

I also signed up for Schwans. Not really for meat.. we have plenty of that. But for their ice cream. And fruit. I want to say mainly fruit, but lets be honest... if I had a food addiction, it is to ice cream. BUT... my MIL showed me their little bite ice creams and gave a few to me. OMG. They are perfect to get me through my craving, plus they are only 60 calories instead of the 800 I get from a pint of ice cream (can anyone really eat on one of those for 3 or 4 servings or am I just a pig??).

I signed off of Facebook while I try to get through this time of my life because I found myself leaving ridiculous, vague and angry posts which just left people texting/emailing and commenting on what's wrong. Unfortunately, I just can't talk about it. I want to. I need to. But, I've been asked not to... and all that makes things harder on me. I work through things by talking them out... and having to keep all this inside is just making me boil over.

So, I leave you with this... besides my kids, it's what is keeping me going. Thanks, Pinterest.

Source: tumblr.com via Xal on Pinterest