Some Clarity.

Tonight, I sat down with the budget and modified it to where it would be the expenses I would have if I left. Correction: kicked him out.

I want the house.

I don't want to move. I don't want the kids to move. The house is expensive. There will be only one way to do this... get a really good job. This basically means over those next 12 months I need to really focus on practicing my craft. Web development. SEO. I need to work.. even if for free. I need to gain that confidence back. I need to gain that experience back. I need to feel I have the skills to go out and ask for a ridiculously high paying job after not working for what will be over 4 years.

And after I get the job, I need to make sure the kids have a place to go while I'm there. And make sure that Brian knows he'll be paying for their childcare. Because I'll be taking over the mortgage, which will be more than the childcare. He wins even though he loses. I won't ask for any other child support. I will ask that he has only supervised visits due to his recent arrest. Even if the supervisors are his parents.

This will be a nasty, nasty divorce. I see his parents throwing a lot of money at this. Money I don't have. But, I have his arrest. I have my emails to the pastor. I have my emails to him. I know I can prove that they are trying to break me. And in turn ask for them to pay for the divorce in full. Will this work? Not sure... but I sure hope so.

I was looking around at jobs. And there are some that I would have qualified for if I continued working. That gives me hope. They are nice paying jobs with nice benefits and near home. This hopefully means that there will be nice paying jobs with nice benefits near home next year when I'm armed and ready to interview.

In other news, I'm finally going to the doctor for my anxiety and all the pain I've been suffering. I think some of the pain is just flat out depression. Yes, depression can physically hurt. My back possibly has a bulging or herniated disc. My hip feels like it's on fire with my sciatic nerve. I currently have a pinched nerve in my shoulder. I'm a mess.. I haven't slept well in a long time.

I hope this puts me on the right path to recovery. I'm feeling a little more clear about my future. About my kid's futures. 

Step One

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable."

I can admit that. Alcohol was the driving force with Brian. No one sees that but me. Even to this day. He doesn't believe he's an alcoholic. His family doesn't believe he's an alcoholic. It's sad.

The part of this that I'm really struggling with is the part where I have to let go of control. I have 2 little children to tend to. I have to control their environment or I fear the impact on their psychological health.

My goal for the next 12 months is to get as far out of debt as possible and save as much as I can. Because once his probation is over, there's nothing holding him back from drinking again. Something mentioned in class tonight was that you can never let your guard down with alcoholics. Even recovering ones. I don't have that kind of energy. And ya know what? I hate him for that. This is NOT what life was supposed to be about. It's too fucking short to be spending time in a crappy insulated garage talking about steps.

Nail.On.Head.

Every photoshoot. Birthday party. Family gathering. Gathering with MY friends. No wonder I resent just about everything about him right now. 

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