Blue Bonnets

Blue bonnets are some of my favorite flowers. There's something so magical about them to me. But, every year there's a panic that overcomes me where I must find a patch to take pictures. That is getting harder and harder as the drought continues and the bastard cabbage (that yellow bush flower) takes over.

Thankfully, I found a patch while driving a different way home from swim classes last week. It was on private property, like usual... but it was commercial land so I didn't think too much about it. If someone writes me a ticket for trespassing because I'm trying to keep a Texas tradition alive, so be it.

This is basically how any shot of both of the kids went....

So, I gave up and did individual pictures, which came out a touch better.

I told Kaylee to be real careful and tip toe around the flowers. She did pretty good!

Liam, on the other hand, didn't get the memo... heh

Mother of the Year

I never thought of myself as a germaphobe. Never. I don't use antibacterial anything because I don't want to kill the good bacteria on myself or kids. I have often times forgotten to wash my kid's hands after playing outside before we eat. But, I found out there is a line to my grossness that I can't cross.

Petting Zoos.

Setting Up The Germ Factory

Liam is loving it. 

And here they come.... 

Hello there Goat.

Touching......

Slobbering....

More touching....

Aww, sweet bunny... that she's touching...

 

Horsey! That she's touching....

What none of these photos show is what she was doing between all of the touching and slobbering. I was trying to calmly get her to just keep her hands on the animals or at her side until we washed them. I don't know these animals and petting zoos are known for giving children lovely stomach viruses.... mostly because they won't keep their gd fingers out of their mouths.... Like THIS.

After asking her calmly 4 times to keep her fingers out of her mouth, I lost it. My anxiety could not take it anymore. And then it happened, I yelled. Everyone stopped and stared at me. The children were shocked, as were the adults. It was wonderful... Then I had two parents tell me how wrong I was and that it's ok if she does this... she'll live.... and I really think that was the source of my break down that later ended up with me being stuck in bed for two days.

Why won't she just listen??? She's perfectly capable of listening when she wants... there was nothing in this situation where she needed to comfort herself. It was purely because she has this habit that she doesn't want to break. And I don't know how to help her break it without being cruel and lets face it, I yell more than I should, so I'd rather not add more trauma to the poor girl's life.

Mother of the year... here I come...

Broken.

That's it.

I'm just broken. That's all there is to it. I can't handle my kids. I can't handle my marriage. I can't handle myself. Crying is just one of the many things on my "Daily To Do List".. I'm so done with every thing and every one. Life sucks. It's lonely. I talk to a 2 year old all day who basically just yells at me. Then I talk to a 1 year old who also just yells at me, just not with actual words.

I was not meant to be a mom. Not a stay at home mom, that's for sure. I wasn't meant to be a wife either. I was meant to be a hermit, just like I was before I got married again. People don't like me and honestly, I really don't like them either. I want my career back. I want my independence back. I want my life back.

There. I said it. The ugly truth.

Best Kaylee Moment Yet.

While showing pix to Kaylee, I got to one of me... Kaylee exclaimed, "that's you, mom! You're the best mom ever!" 

 I instantly started crying... somehow in that moment, all the challenges I have faced with her lately were gone. Today. Today was a good day. Even before she said that with such excitement. Nothing had gone particularly out of whack. 

Lookin' for jobs in all the...

....right places?

Maybe... we shall see. I finally bit the bullet and applied with a temp/temp-to-hire company. It's one I have been at before, but they said my skills weren't high enough for their positions. 7 years later, here I am. Back and in rare high form. She thinks my skills are a great fit and will be contacting me as soon as something comes up. Supposedly, they get remote work frequently. Here's hoping...

I'm nervous about getting back out there. My confidence is pretty low. But, this is something I need to do for myself. For my sanity. I need to feel like I'm more than just a diaper changer, maid, cook, potty trainer and dog sitter. Granted, I know deep down my role as the kid's mom is so much deeper than that. I'm also their teacher. And because of that, I need to teach them good work ethic, because lord knows they won't learn it anywhere else, which boggles my mind. It also wouldn't hurt to get some extra moolah in the bank.