If only....

...prayer actually worked...

I'm sorry if anyone reading this is religious because it will probably offend. I was at one point. You could even call me a Bible-beater.. I always had it with me. But at the end of high school, too many things happened all at once and then the church started being political to frost that cake...

A friend of mine wrote this on her FB and it sums up a lot about what I think about church and religion:

"I've been saved. I believe in God. I believe in an afterlife. I believe in prayer. I believe in miracles. I believe God prepares us and challenges us daily.

However, I don't believe in people, much less the sincerity in the faith that most followers claim to have. Hypocrisy is a stumbling block that most religions have in common. The persons that are Holy Rollers on Sunday and then hellions Monday - Saturday. How can anyone believe what you believe is real. So, its okay to sing in the choir, be a deacon or even sit happily in your pew hollering out "AMEN" or "PRAISE BE TO JESUS" and then return home to cuss your kids, beat your spouse, kick the dog and bash your neighbor. Oh yes, this is the typical representative of God or of any deity for that matter. Lets post on FB how much we love our God and then bash people and call them moron's, retards, etc. Which is just mind boggling to me that on one hand you want people to believe your such a Christian, that you represent a faith that can give you happiness and peace. Why is that? Because God will forgive your every indiscretion? Because you sit in his home smiling and calling each other brother and sister, only to step foot out the door and bad mouth that brother/sister for the clothes they chose to wear to church that day? HOW is this to draw people in? HOW is this to say that "I represent an all mighty powerful God that is kind and loving and just." When you, yourself, can talk the talk, but REFUSE to walk the walk?

THIS is why I do not attend church. THIS is why when someone tell me that they are Christian.. I watch and wait to see the behavior and the motive before I would even consider believing they have faith.

Finally, SWEEP YOUR OWN FRONT PORCH BEFORE YOU TELL SOMEONE ELSE HOW TO SWEEP THEIRS."

Ok.. so there's a few differences with me... I call myself Agnostic. The church and it's people pushed me away to the point where I just don't know which way is up. I don't believe in God because I don't know how to anymore. It doesn't make sense to me as an adult. I don't believe in the afterlife, prayer or miracles.

If prayer actually worked, then what is going on in my family would not be happening. I wouldn't be in a constant struggle to keep my head above water. There are so many people praying for us that if it really worked, something positive would happen. And saying what happened yesterday, which I won't talk about in detail on here yet, if ever, is a positive, then OMG WTH is a negative? Death?

I'm frustrated. I've been suffering my own demons for a long time and just as I thought I was getting everything worked out in my messed up head, I have to rescue someone else. I pleaded for help months ago and now our family has been struck with a tragedy that I'm not sure I *want* to deal with. It's not that I can't... I just don't know if I want to do this anymore.  But then I think if I don't, our family will be torn apart and life will actually be harder on everyone, including myself. Staying and fighting is the best solution... but I'm so tired.... so very tired...

If only prayer actually worked... I wouldn't be so tired...

Genius.

I just had a great idea. I'm doing traditional Minnie Mouse for Kaylee's birthday... why not use the SAME decor I make for a Mickey party for Liam?

AHHHH! Only problem is I hafta get everything done by March instead of June. I gotta find a way to cut the party down to a handful of people too.. cuz it's just too much stress to have that many people crowded around. Ugh. Maybe I can do dinner with the family and a fun, relaxed party with the kids?

In other news, I started clearing out the garden today. It's too muddy still to do much, but I'm buying wood and PVC to build out the fence.. hopefully, Saturday/Sunday... hopefully with some help.. we shall see.  I still need to remeasure everything so hopefully I don't over/under buy. So excited! This should technically be the most productive garden yet! Very excited!

WORK!

I actually got to do some real work this week. I coded a quick placeholder for a site.. not sure if I'm getting the actual site, but I think I am on trade for my big project I wanna do in a few years. I also created a logo that I'm growing more fond of the more I look at it. The client loves it and that's really all that matters. I'm also working on my children's book biz. If anyone out there wants to do a show, even just an eShow, lemme know. January is double rewards!

Doula logo:

It's growing on me, but I still think it needs some tweaking cuz some of the lines just feel off.. oh well. She says it's done, so it shall be.

Another addiction...

So a while back I wrote about internet addiction. I have it. Always have.. even before the internet was the internet. I try very hard not to let it run my life, but it very well could if I stop paying attention to my own rules I've put in place for myself.

Like:

No phones at the dinner table.
Don't ignore the children or Brian for my phone/computer.

I've logged off.. then back on... then back off... and finally kinda sorta back on (only because I got a frantic text saying I had to go help someone, which I'm forever grateful for)... eventually I'll be back off to a community.

I've unfriended a lot of people on FB, not because I dislike them or anything personal... but because we don't really talk on there. There's a few exceptions, but if the friendship isn't a two way street, then I can't open up anymore. That's what I have this thing for. If it weren't for some out of town family and friends, I'd probably find it easier to log off there.

But now... now there's Pinterest. Something I boycotted for a long time because that whole "you hafta be invited and it is going to take 6 weeks for us to accept" thing really rubbed me the wrong way. I finally gave in. And in less than a few weeks, I'm hooked. My grandmother has even joined. And I encouraged it. WTH am I thinking!?

I need more rules. Like... a timeframe where I can be online. The thing that sucks is a do a lot of sitting. Liam is uber clingy, so I spend a lot of that time just staring at him while he plays. God forbid I get up and wash some dishes.. or pee. Because that child will flat out scream bloody murder if I attempt to get up. He has me trained and that sucks. So, this is where my dilemma is... I have lots of time to play because I spend a lot of time doing not much of anything. Oh how I can not wait til he reaches the lovely milestone of walking. I don't look forward to chasing two children in opposite directions soon... I do look forward in saying "Ok... well, mommy is going this way, so you can follow me if you'd like."

If anything...

... this next week should be a little less stressful. At least I hope.

I made lunches for both Brian and I for the week and I made breakfast (pancakes and bacon) for everyone for the week. I shouldn't have to think as much about food prep. Kaylee goes back to school TOMORROW.

The last three weeks have not been pleasant. The kids and I have been fighting allergies like crazy. I got used to not having Kaylee home and under my feet all the time. Her schedule was thrown WAY off thanks to the excitement of Christmas. Plus she stayed at her grandma's for part of last week and 7pm apparently does not mean 7pm to them.. so she was going to bed at like 9... and sleeping til almost 10... UGH. I'm trying to get her back on track but only have one day to do so. Not sure that will work. On top of all that, Liam has a double ear infection. I just need this "break" to be over.

Tomorrow I am dropping Kaylee off at school, then going to a work meeting. While I'm at the meeting, my garage door opener is being installed. I'm so excited! Tuesday is supposed to be a bad weather day, which is a bummer because I'm hoping to take the kids to my grandmother's.

Wednesday is school again... Thursday is Kaylee's swim lessons... and Friday is school and Liam's swim lessons.

I'm also on the verge of making a decision that might break my heart a little. I'm considering weaning Liam before a year. The reasons are mostly selfish which is making the decision that much harder. I don't think I'm producing enough to really satisfy him though. My sanity is at stake. I can't really give him to anyone for very long which, while I love my baby.. I need a break. I need my house to be clean, which has been the biggest challenge since I had him NINE MONTHS AGO. Seriously.. my house has been gross for almost a year. Ick. If he would only let me put him down. He's not nearly as independent as Kaylee was/is.

Anyway.. no decision has been made yet, but I'm getting close to breaking and just giving up.

PS: Who the hell mows in the winter?!? Ugh. Especially during naptime?!? Right by my kid's windows??

Yep... I'm losing it... cuz normally that doesn't bother me. But I cringe every time they mow by...

Eatin' Better.. One Jar at a Time...

Found ^^^ this ^^^^ on Pinterest. So, I'm doing it tomorrow. I have 10 mason jars washed and ready to go. Just hafta fill them, which means a trip to the grocery store, however I am kidless until noon, so I can do it! Brian can take one to work each day (and hopefully bring back the empty jar...) and I can have one when I'm finally able to sit down and eat.. like around 3pm. But, at least this is easy. Make then shake when ready to eat! They last 6-7 days in the fridge!

http://karenknichols.blogspot.ca/2012/02/mason-jar-salads.html

ETA: Here we go! These are mine.. super simple. Ranch or honey mustard, store bought dressing (because I make plenty of stuff by scratch.. can't handle much more. LOL), carrots, tomatoes, cucumber, diced ham (lunch meat), broccoli, cheese, and baby spinach. I made 10, so enough for Brian and I for lunch for 5 days.

I plan to do a fruit salad version with smaller mason jars next... but I doubt I'll be able to get to it today.. maybe tomorrow after Brian gets home from the ranch.

Garden Planning

I'm starting to plan my Spring garden. It's the perfect time to get out there and get everything ready before I have to plant. If only it weren't so flippin' cold. Until then, I can at least get some of the elements ready.

The reason I'm trying to plan so early is because while last Fall's garden wasn't a complete disaster, it was thrown together quite haphazardly.. and I really would like it to be a bigger success this year. The first order of business is to lock the dogs and children out. This was my down fall last year. The dogs got in and while digging and barking/scratching at the back fence, they trampled/ate/uprooted everything that I had planted minus some beans, garlic, basil and dill. This is the general concept of my fence.. it'll hopefully be a little prettier.

I had also intended to winterize the garden, but that never happened. So my huge basil plant froze to an ugly death.

I plan to create areas for climbing plants, like beans and squash.

Brian also has wanted to try potatoes. And while I have never been successful with strawberries, I'd love to try this and see if I'd get better results.

I didn't have anywhere to actually walk last year, so I probably trampled some of my plants as well.

Bird control!They won't eat your berries because they'll think they are rocks. Now... to actually make the time to do this.

Bug control and butterflies! I love ladybugs and the fact that they eat aphids and other bugs makes them even more appealing.

And if I get real desperate for pots, I can make one for about $4.