Finding my path...

Sometimes I feel like I'm all over the place... what do I want to do? How do I want to do it? When can I start? How can I make it work with my family and my schedule?

UGH.

So, web development is probably not in my future. I've tried sitting down and freshening up my skills but I can't concentrate on the code like I used to. This frustrates me. However, I can still use my degree with direct selling. The trouble is finding the right product. While the books are AWESOME and EPIC... they are heavy. And my back just can't take carrying boxes and boxes of books to sell half a box at a time.

While at an entrepreneurial event, I met a lady who sells essential oils. This is something I've been interested in for a long time but I never could find good ones.  So, here I am... now... at first I didn't plan on selling. But I made a FB post about how I cleared Liam's snotty nose with a drop of oregano on his feet during naptime. The thread exploded with interest. I had a party last night, made over $200 and have 2 people sign up under me... plus one of my downlines had someone sign up under her. AMAZING. I never got that kind of interest with the books. The great thing is it's all order only and my kit is light.

Here we go..... #doterra #healthierliving #oilsbeforemeds

New Year.... New Start...

November was the breakthrough that we finally needed. After weeks (and really years) of him being just mean, I decided I was done.

I took Kaylee to school and then Liam and I set off to Brian's work. I wasn't sure what I was going to say, but I was convinced I would remain cool, calm, collected and logical about everything. I asked him to come outside. He didn't know I was coming. Then I told him I wasn't leaving until he talked to me. Every time I tried to talk in the past, he would refuse or it would turn into a fight. I was so over that. It wasn't healthy. It wasn't productive.

He answered like usual. "Nothing is wrong."

"Well, if nothing is wrong, then you have no reason for treating me the way you do."

He didn't have an answer. This is when the best line of our marriage flowed out of my mouth... it changed everything.

"I'm not your enemy. Until you believe that, things will never get better. Lets wipe the slate clean and start over. And from here on if there's ANY issues, no matter how small, we talk about it immediately."

It was like a light went off in his head. I wish I had said this years ago. I wish the DWI hadn't happened. But at the same time... timing is everything. If he hadn't gotten in trouble, he would still be drinking. He's over 6 months sober. If I had said let's wipe the slate clean before then, it wouldn't have mattered.

He's sober. It looks good on him. He's a better father, husband, friend, brother, uncle, son... he's just better. I tell them this often in hopes that it will remind him that alcohol will ruin his life if he goes back down that road.

Perfect doesn't exist... but if it did, I would be living a perfect life right now. 2013 sucked so badly... but 2014 is going to rock.

The blog will go back to being public now... here's hoping I never get so depressed that I have to take it offline again.

Some Clarity.

Tonight, I sat down with the budget and modified it to where it would be the expenses I would have if I left. Correction: kicked him out.

I want the house.

I don't want to move. I don't want the kids to move. The house is expensive. There will be only one way to do this... get a really good job. This basically means over those next 12 months I need to really focus on practicing my craft. Web development. SEO. I need to work.. even if for free. I need to gain that confidence back. I need to gain that experience back. I need to feel I have the skills to go out and ask for a ridiculously high paying job after not working for what will be over 4 years.

And after I get the job, I need to make sure the kids have a place to go while I'm there. And make sure that Brian knows he'll be paying for their childcare. Because I'll be taking over the mortgage, which will be more than the childcare. He wins even though he loses. I won't ask for any other child support. I will ask that he has only supervised visits due to his recent arrest. Even if the supervisors are his parents.

This will be a nasty, nasty divorce. I see his parents throwing a lot of money at this. Money I don't have. But, I have his arrest. I have my emails to the pastor. I have my emails to him. I know I can prove that they are trying to break me. And in turn ask for them to pay for the divorce in full. Will this work? Not sure... but I sure hope so.

I was looking around at jobs. And there are some that I would have qualified for if I continued working. That gives me hope. They are nice paying jobs with nice benefits and near home. This hopefully means that there will be nice paying jobs with nice benefits near home next year when I'm armed and ready to interview.

In other news, I'm finally going to the doctor for my anxiety and all the pain I've been suffering. I think some of the pain is just flat out depression. Yes, depression can physically hurt. My back possibly has a bulging or herniated disc. My hip feels like it's on fire with my sciatic nerve. I currently have a pinched nerve in my shoulder. I'm a mess.. I haven't slept well in a long time.

I hope this puts me on the right path to recovery. I'm feeling a little more clear about my future. About my kid's futures. 

Step One

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable."

I can admit that. Alcohol was the driving force with Brian. No one sees that but me. Even to this day. He doesn't believe he's an alcoholic. His family doesn't believe he's an alcoholic. It's sad.

The part of this that I'm really struggling with is the part where I have to let go of control. I have 2 little children to tend to. I have to control their environment or I fear the impact on their psychological health.

My goal for the next 12 months is to get as far out of debt as possible and save as much as I can. Because once his probation is over, there's nothing holding him back from drinking again. Something mentioned in class tonight was that you can never let your guard down with alcoholics. Even recovering ones. I don't have that kind of energy. And ya know what? I hate him for that. This is NOT what life was supposed to be about. It's too fucking short to be spending time in a crappy insulated garage talking about steps.

Nail.On.Head.

Every photoshoot. Birthday party. Family gathering. Gathering with MY friends. No wonder I resent just about everything about him right now. 

http://www.labelaphotography.com/blog/dear-dad-please-smile/

Private.

Not sure if I have any readers out there... but I'll be retiring this blog to private settings soon. Things have gone from bad to worse and I don't want my negativity on what should have been a positive blog about the epic life I was supposed to finally have. It was never meant to be negative or a place for me to vent. Only a place for me to share a little sweetness on the internet since it is hard to find at times.

Wow... Momentum...

So July ended up being a crazy busy month. And in our Team News letter, I saw this:

Top Sales for July:           Kristal T.

and

Earned Home Office Challenge I:   Kristal T.

How did that happen? I sold books like crazy. It was fun watching people get so excited about them too. 

So... here's to a great August! I have almost nothing on the calendar, but Monday I have a really big home show... 12 guests so far! I told the hostess to tell each guest to bring a friend not originally invited and they'll get a free book. Can you imagine? 24+ people? That's like... a holiday at my grandma's house!  I'm excited and a wreck all at once.

My hope is I can get 3 people on my team who really want to work the business. And also, to have a crazy successful show.

Whatif... I just try. :)~